Fifteen months ago on January 28, 2021, I left work for the last time. At the time, I intended to take 12 weeks off for surgical recovery and then go right back at it. We, my employers and me as part of an emergency physician’s group, were fighting COVID. They needed me. I would not let a little thing like Myhre Syndrome get in my way!

For years, I went to work every day facing 8 + hours of constant, sharp pain that exhausted me. The wear and tear on my body resulted in 13 orthopedic surgeries on my hands and arms in 5 years. I kept fighting through the pain and ignoring what my body was trying to tell me. I loved my job with my whole heart.

In my day-to-day work with the bureaucracy of insurance companies, I felt I made a difference. Every claim that was paid was a win in my books. I made sure that my work was accurate and timely. I coded over 400.000 charts in 15 years, worked countless insurance denials, and helped train my new colleagues. It fulfilled me. Until it didn’t.

I fell yesterday. Slid right out of bed on my throw rug like the floor has been greased. Dakota, my 15 year old golden shepherd, appeared over me saying, “Mom. Why you on the floor? I halp (slurp)? Mom! Get up! (Slurp)!” It was not helpful… LOL! I am not hurt – sore, my dignity is bruised. It took all I had to get up off the floor even with Dakota's "halp."

My weakness scared me. A part of me still believed that if I tried hard enough, I could be back at work. That I should be back at work. I realized as I lay there on the floor that I deserve to take care of myself. I NEED to take care of myself!

This does not come easily to me. I am a fighter or I would not be here. From being 2 pounds in 1970 to living in an abusive home, my resilience has always shined through. Surrendering was not an option. I saw quitting work as surrendering. Allowing Myhre's to win. I am finally realizing I can be at peace with my decision to quit.

So today, as I rest because I hurt from falling, I reflect on what it means to be “disabled.” (By the way, I refer to myself as retired due to disability. It gets a lot less pitying stares than simply stating I am disabled.) It means having the space and time to heal. It means resting when I am tired. It means celebrating the joyous moments without exhaustion. It means allowing myself to do the things I love. It means truly making a difference for the Myhre community. It means being free to be myself in all ways. This was not a decision I made lightly or easily but it is the right one for me.